Putting the ‘FUN’ back in ‘FUNerals’
Let me just interject some thoughts before giving Witchy back the stage again (isn’t she a great writer?).
I had to go to a wake yesterday (not the soldier FROM Iraq, this one is a friend’s mother… since it comes in threes, most people at work wouldn’t be surprised if I’m going to be #3, so it all has me thinking about my own mortality, and why I keep seeing the Reaper every time I go to the convenience store for a soda refill & cigarettes.).
So after work, I’m picked up where we immediately drive to California* to the wake.
(*Not actual name of the state. Actually I have no idea where it was. It wasn’t Pennsylfuckingtucky or Nueva Yawk… that much I am sure. But I smelled toxic waste, the radio stations stopped working in the Paterson and Secaucus areas and I kept asking if “we were in California” until Carole said “yes” to shut me up.)
In California, we took a quick pitstop at the Paramus Mall, where we were amazed at the high-tech gagetry in their restrooms. You take a wee-wee, walk away and the urinal flushed itself. Put out your hands and the sink ran water, and towels automatically unload… there’s even an aspirin/candy/condom dispenser!. We’re used to the Stroud Mall, where all they have is an outhouse in the parking lot.
The funeral home was in UPPER Bergen County. They like to stress that there. Because lower Bergen county is where you see all the women with big hair in the Bon Jovi videos. Upper Bergen county is really hoidy-toidy rich and PRIDES themselves in the fact that they are not LOWER Bergen county. (In case you’re ever in California & don’t want to piss the natives off.)
If I had my way, I would change the way wakes and funerals are run. For starters, what is the point of families trying to out-do each other with floral arrangements? What a waste of money!
To me, nothing says “I loved that stiff more than you did” better than by sending… APPLIANCES! No. Really. Think about it. A death in the family turns loved ones INTO instant vultures anyway. How many times can you think of when Aunt Sadie is barely cold and relatives are ransacking the house for jewelry, heirlooms and loose cash, so why not just bring the goods right INTO the funeral home?
- “This 42″ Plasma TV was donated by the Smith Family”
- “The X-Box, given with love, by the Santucci Family”
- “This slightly-used & refurbished 2-head VCR FROM the Liebowitz Family”
Hell, P.C. Richards can run FTD out of business!
My funeral will be a showstopper (Provided I get this all in a will as Carole has vowed no way in hell will she do ANY of this.)
1. Mimes re-enacting my death every half an hour. Hopefully, it will be something simple like a heart attack, or being hit by lightning. Going peacefully in my sleep will be boring, and falling off a skyscraper may be too much of a challenge.
2. Clowns giving kids black balloons, and squirting people not “mourning properly” with water guns.. I want tears, you fuckers! Yes, I realize many of you will be there to actually MAKE SURE I’m really really dead this time… but that’s still no excuse not to at least TRY to cry. And why keep the kids away? If you’re going to traumatize your kids at a wake… what better place to do it than at mine?
3. The focus should be on ME, the dead guy, dammit! I’ve been to too many wakes where it either becomes a happy family reunion or for members of the Genovese/Colombo crime families to get together peacefully and plan their next heist. Fuck that shit. What about me????
Since they’ll have to remove vital organs, and sever my muscles and spinal cord to make me look “peaceful” anyway, why not add some hydraulic machinery? Have me sit up and reach for a coke on top of the coffin every once in a while… that’s the way I want to be remembered anyway.
Needless to say, you’re all invited to my FUNeral. There will also be a hot & cold buffet and a wet bar in the back to SHOW my appreciation for coming to my final show.
… even if you’re just making sure I’m gone for good this time.
(Which is highly unlikely as I plan on spending the rest of eternity haunting my enemies, and hovering over some of you babes while you’re in the shower or getting dressed. Evil never truly dies. It merely changes form.)
July 27th, 2004 at 1:14 pm
I want a FUNeral similar to this.
Can you send me the name of your FUNeral director?
July 27th, 2004 at 4:45 pm
I want mine too to be FUN, no weeping and being sad, but rather a celebration of the time I did spend here doing whatever it is I do and knowing whoever it is that I know. Some upbeat music, maybe a slide SHOW of different good and enjoyable times in my life - and in lieu of flowers (I’d really rather get them when alive!!) guests should give the family fun stuff, as you suggest the X-box and other electronics, while their at it maybe some gift certificates for the good restaurants in town so the family can dine out and further celebrate my life!
July 27th, 2004 at 7:33 pm
how funny that the Jew gave the cheapest gift. Too. Damn. Funny.
July 27th, 2004 at 8:16 pm
I can’t remember attending any funerals that were FUN at all. Maybe I’ll crash yours. Just make sure you have ample suppies of Appleton VX!
July 28th, 2004 at 11:07 am
Ha! Made me smile! (and that can be a wee bit challenging these days).. Personally I keep insisting on my lifeless body being lashed to a pyre, lit aflame and pushed out to sea. Do you believe the freakin state of Texas won’t allow this!? Must have something to do with all the oil in the water ::shrug:: ;o)
July 28th, 2004 at 5:52 pm
Ain’t I terrible, Kristi? :0)
I just don’t get Texas, Witchy… I figured a place where “He just needed a good killin’!” is a perfectly viable defense would LOVE to see a good ol’ viking sendoff.
I’d suggest Florida, but you’d never make it past the gators.
July 29th, 2004 at 6:48 am
Sounds like a blast!! I would say I will be there, but I plan on being dead myself by that time….. *lol*
July 29th, 2004 at 9:03 am
“Have me sit up and reach for a coke on top of the coffin every once in a while”
if I ever saw a corpse do this I would shit a brick. *laugh* what a fantastic idea!!