BREAKING NEWS: A post-it note on the fridge by Osama bin Laden to wife #6 – ‘Don’t forget to feed the dogs today and I will feed the fish.’

LOOSE SCREWS

It’s FINALLY here!

LOOSE SCREWS is a parody of Zeitgeist and other crappy conspiracy films. Except for the part about Santa being real, I made everything else up.

• 9/11 was a publicity stunt by Santa to boost Christmas sales in 2001
• Santa sunk the Titanic posing as Capt. Smith to get famous
• He’s an Egyptian god named Sentniclausnatut
• The Bush Administration just jumped in on the 911 bandwagon because it grabbed so much attention
• Santa Claus is an agent of the Zionists and the NWO, we’re on our way to global slavery and Dylan Avery is just slightly off the mark, and Alex Jones is right!
• A secret Government site (www.noradsanta.org) PROVES his existence

Like all conspiracies, I start with a conclusion, and work my way backwards and twist and bend the evidence to support my conclusion. And of course, no conspiracy is complete without blaming the Jews for secretly controlling the world.

I’ve already gotten some heat and accused of anti-semitism because of the movie by idiots. Apparently the REAL 9/11 “Truthers”, their links to Holocaust Denial, White Supremacist groups and their accusations of “a Zionist Plot” everywhere is a-ok with them… however, cartoon Jews giving you the finger is NOT COOL and EVIL. *eyeroll* Besides, according to Encyclopedia Dramatica – The Jews really DID do the WTC.

If you hate these lame ’9/11 Twoofers’ as much as I do, send them my way, and if you see ’9/11 was an inside job’ posted somewhere, complete the sentence with ‘…AND SANTA DID IT!’

Please people, I need your LUVZ!!!!
Lotsa comments and booyahs, and I will love you forever… even if you hate me (but, why would you want to do that?).

• LOOSE SCREWS on YouTube

Goodbye to the Rocket
Man, this is definitely the MOST INTENSE World Series I’ve ever seen. It was cool to see Roger Clemens end his last pitch with a strikeout (woulda been nicer if the Yankees had won, buuut…).

I can’t say anything bad about the Marlins. They are one truly ass-kicking team this year. But I can question what’s up with the umpires over there? They called a Marlin “out” yesterday, when he was clearly safe at first… then vice versa for the Yankees (*genuflects*)…

MORE: Read the rest of this entry »

This page is closed today in loving memory of the Patriots and Heroes who lost their lives on this day last year.

Say a prayer, light a candle, and remember….

But most important of all… live your life to the fullest.

We will never forget.
-e-

(Originally printed December 23, 2001)
I really don’t talk about September 11th much.

I remember the grueling 12-hour day I put in checking the latest AP wires and keeping live coverage on the website, amid rumors that NY and NJ may have no way of communicating with the outside world… way before some of the events even made it on TV. Walking into work that morning, never suspecting for a second that this would lead to the devastation and unspeakable horror that we’ve all stared in a state of shock over the past few months.
I can’t think about it.
I won’t think about it.

I did a pretty damn good job at avoiding it, until this morning.

Joe Flounders lived only a few miles from me. His wife Pat begged him to flee his World Trade Center office after the first plane the other tower… He stayed behind to help a co-worker, suffering shock; trying to get him out also…

Moments later, the second plane crashed and exploded right through his office…

MORE: Read the rest of this entry »

September 11th, 2001 8:45 AM – It was a sunny Tuesday morning in Jersey City, New Jersey. Business as usual in the steel mill, overlooking the majestic skyline of New York City.

High above the workers, Larry operated his crane, moving large piles of steel across the yard.

Its not unusual to see and hear a commercial jet fly above him. However, an oncoming plane was particularly loud. It was louder than most, because it was flying at a far lower altitude than the rest of the planes that pass by.

So low that Larry can actually see the faces of the passengers.

The encounter took less than a nanosecond, but it seemed so much longer. Larry made eye contact with one passenger. A very sad man with a grim countenance.

It was the face of a man who knew he was about to die.

They were the passengers of American Airlines Flight 11, and it was just seconds before that jet crossed the water, and exploded on impact into One World Trade Center.

That man’s face will haunt Larry for the rest of his life.

PREFACE: This was part of a series of true stories I compiled last year called “GROUND ZERO: THE UNTOLD STORIES“.

It’s not about the act. It’s not about the politics. It’s about the people affected by it. The events as seen through their eyes.

***** T h e * C r o s s r o a d s ********

Many of the stories you are about to hear came from actual conversations in a gas station/convenience store in Stroudsburg, PA.

A mere 60 miles from New York City, across Interstate 80, it was a place where many stopped to fill up their cars with gas, and get their morning coffee and newspapers, before starting their long commute to work.

In the summer of 2001, it was a happy place. With happy people. Many were New Yorkers who fled the crime and the cold steel for a better way of life in the Poconos years ago. Their jobs paid well, and their personalities were indelibly “New Yorkers”.. no matter where they chose to live. Full of life, sarcasm, humor, the “New Yawk” accent, and everything that goes with it.

They were in before the sun began to rise, to be greeted by cheerful workers who had fresh coffee, rolls, bagels and biscuits prepared for the “morning rush” beginning at 4AM.

A few regulars never returned after 9/11.
One can only speculate.

Those who did return were traumatized and messed up beyond description. Trying to put the unimaginable into words brought only tears from the strongest and burliest of them. Their spirit was broken, and a part of them will remain forever entombed in the rubble of the World Trade Center, or splattered on the sidewalks from a 100-story fall.

Across from the parking lot was a motel where a group of generous truckers from Indiana took a final rest stop before their trek into N.Y.C. It was also one of many places in the area where the stranded were forced to stay for the night…

Adjacent to both buildings was The Pocono Record. Amid rumors of further attacks nationwide, and the possibility that at least four states will soon be without power or communication… it began to set up as a command center to communicate to the rest of the world what was going on.

But it was in that 24 hour convenience store that the stories of triumph and tragedy were being told. It was the place where those across the nation stopped for coffee, braced themselves to enter a war zone, then returned to share their stories.

For a brief while, that place was to be known as “The Crossroads”.

PREFACE: This was part of a series of true stories I compiled last year called “GROUND ZERO: THE UNTOLD STORIES“.

It’s not about the act. It’s not about the politics. It’s about the people affected by it. The events as seen through their eyes.

It’s still merely a .txt file in my hard drive. After the media basically ran September 11th to the ground (as I suspect they’ll do again in the next few weeks…) I felt people didn’t need this.

I also worried how people would take this particular story as there is more than enough real-life tragedy of the attacks in N.Y.C. and D.C. to fill a thousand lifetimes.

The following story is grim and horrific. Those easily upset may want to skip it.

It’s the “fictional” story of a woman buried alive when the towers collapsed. The sights, the sounds… the terror.

I put “fictional” in quotes… because I sometimes wonder, given my connection with the other side. I wrote this in Mid-October 2001… when the screams of the long-dead still haunted my dreams. I was possessed. My fingers couldn’t stop writing.

When I finished, a woman’s voice whispered “thank you” behind me.
I didn’t bother to turn around. I knew I wouldn’t see anyone.

I feel it’s time for her story to be told….

MORE: Read the rest of this entry »

Inside the minds of Terrorists

For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.

The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*

THINGS TO DO LIST

- Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.

- Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.

- Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.

- Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)

- Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…

- Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.

- Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.

- Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!

- Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.

- A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.

- You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11″* over here.)

- This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)

Seriously. It’s part of the healing process.

You’d have to understand my origins to understand me. I’m from Brooklyn… we are world-renowned for our sick humor at the darkest times.

Growing up in dilapidated house, no male role models to fix things as they broke… (My friends have been calling the house “1313 Mockingbird Lane” since Junior High School). You had to laugh at it. When I built a recording studio in my basement, to watch the toughest “gangstas” in Brooklyn haul ass, as sewer rats the size of chihuauhas came out to hear their lyrics…

That was funny as hell!

There were a lot of hard times there, it was overcrowded, it was hostile and dangerous to be a white person in that neighborhood after a while…

Humor got us through.

Early attempts to make us laugh after the tragedy was pretty bad. Poking fun at the WTC is like making fun of a rape victim (which is never funny, and when you think about it… that’s what happened to America on 9/11).

However…

• Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. – Fucking hilarious!
• The Onion shows us how it’s done with its Special Report: “Holy Fucking Shit! Attack on America” – American satire at its best….. CHECK IT OUT!

All links via MetaFilter… which brings me to today’s Newz & Gossip:

• The end of MetaFilter? – Former “A-Lister” and Webby loser Jason Kottke and MetaFilter mastermind (and former “A-lister”) Matthew Haughey discuss (as we’re all apparently ignored) how MetaFilter is a “hassle”, “may be scrapped”, and “turned into something it wasn’t meant to be”…

Uhm… that would be total domination and worship of the “A-List”, wasn’t it?

Matt, boobalah, do you realize what a juggernaut you have created?

It’s valuable property… and if you play your cards right (ie: stop complaining about what a hassle it is to maintain.) You can make a small fortune selling it off with all your hard work and brilliant coding.

Me? I’m all for the worship of the A-List…

why?

Because there is a new “A-List”. Run by the Axis of Jon Sullivan and Matthew Rossi (as confirmed here…).

We MUST worship them! Compelling content and good discussion is what the people want… Besides, I know these guys. If I suck up to them enough,
***I can become an “A-Lister”.*** :0)

• I will now proudly resume my role and bring you the finest in Newz, Gossip, and Pro-American Propaganda…

Well, maybe…

Tomorrow I face a judge on various charges for what happened over the summer… you all know what happened after that, and obviously this “Police State” isn’t done punishing us.

For what? For being stranded, and doing the best you can to stay afloat.

Will I do jail time? Will I face a stiff fine? Or will this Magistrate decide we’ve been punished enough?

Sentencing is tomorrow morning in Dingman’s Ferry if you all have nothing better to do.

I’m sure the same people who had a field day cracking “Trailer Jokes” as the Sheriffs locked us out of our home last February are going to have a field day with this one…

Oh well, at least they’ll be laughing again. Laughter is good.