Can someone PLEASE explain to me why ‘Palindrome’ spelled backwards ISN’T ‘PALINDROME’??!!??

I save money from laundromats by throwing my clothes in an epileptic’s bathtub.

I just saved a bundle on my car insurance by dropping Geico and driving around uninsured.

People that complain about ‘finding a needle in a haystack’…

You know they invented a thing called an ‘electromagnet’, right?

Today marks the painful anniversary of me learning that you can’t do genetic splicing using only a blender.

Oh and putting in fruit, freezing it, and trying to sell it to the neighborhood kids as ‘Mice Smoothies’ is bad too.

Am I drawn to crazy women?

Let’s see. My last date ended with her screaming ‘PIKACHU, I CHOOSE YOU!’ and slamming a hamster into the ground.

Anyone see that ad on Facebook for ‘Help with Anxiety’?

Is it any good? Cuz I’m afraid to click on it.

I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am a selfish brat…

Why don’t you people think about how that makes ME feel?

So if dancers have ‘dance-offs’, and cooks have ‘cook-offs’, what should us jerks name OUR contest?

I am SO going to wring someone’s neck as soon as Anger Management class lets out.