Yes, boys and girls… THIS IS THE MOMENT. At long last, this week’s event of the century is here. Are you nervous??? You bet your bippy you are, and why shouldn’t you be? For a while now, your most intimate thoughts, your innermost dreams, and your dumbest quiz results have been out on the WORLD WIDE WEB for all of us to see…
You wanted accolades and praise for talking about your breakfast, the furniture you bought at IKEA, and your Friday Five answers…. you got it!!!
But first, let’s…
A W A R D S
OVERALL SEXINESS
They’re sexy, intriguing and fascinating. We put them down, and bitch about them behind their backs all the time because apparently we’re not.
**// Wait… can we DO that??? *SHRUG* //**
POLITICAL
Nothing generates laughs more than Capitol Hill. Aw hell, it’s the comedy nexus of the world…
- I’d even re-elect that idiot Bush, if she posts enough wet t-shirt pics… Goes to Michele of a small victory.
- Best use of venomous humor on Yasser Arafat - Simon Laurence of Amish Tech Support
- Best use of venomous humor on Ariel Sharon - Nico of Negative Subspace
PROBLEM ADULTS
These are people impervious to ritalin. They cause madness and mayhem everywhere they go, and feel the internet is nothing more than their litterbox. You stay on their good side, nervously laugh at their jokes, and suck up to them… because you’ve seen the wrath and destruction they’ve brought upon their enemies up close.
TRIAL BY FIRE (and other legal crap)
People who have been through legal and personal hell this year, and were kind enough to share their pain for us before we moved on the our next read.
- Screw blogging, my kids come first - T, of Eagle Eye View
- There’s more to Hawaii than coconuts and Ukeleles - Ali of Paradise Ali
- Doin’ Time: An inside look at L.A. County Jail - Kim of The Sick Side
- America, you will be rounded up and shot - Matt, of Ezrael
- Exposing the horrors and shocking truth about school fundraisers - Kim of Musings of a Misfit Mama
- All your ‘Zillas am belonging to us! - Dave Linabury of Davezilla
- Comeback of the Year - Tammie of My Little Ones
- Because she’s been through hell and back too and has a great outlook - Anne of semi composementis
(Awarded by Pete B.)
HOLLYWOOD LOOKALIKES/ACTALIKES
They either look like your favorite Hollywood celebrities, sure as hell act like them… sometimes they’re even better than the original.
Don’t mess with the bull, young man… - Dick Vernon of Demented and Sad, but Social
“no I am NOT Sigourney Weaver! Leave me ALONE!!!” - Skarlet, the Punk Princess
Robin Williams of the Web - John of Linkworthy
I’m John Lennon. Really. - Steve (I don’t know his last name) of Benway
Mistaken for Samantha Fox all the time - Tess of Echoes of a dream
Reminding us why we all love Led Zeppelin - Kathy K. of Mindless Chatter
Has no idea why I’ve nicknamed her Amy Fisher - Mollie of Vivid Emotions
Kinda like Blossom, only sexier- Liz of Idiocracies
Had a site she designed once listed on Arlo Guthrie’s Site - Brooke of Rivervision
The Wil Wheaton of the Web - Wil Wheaton
(What? Did you think he wasn’t going to win anything here?)
Best use of Buffett lyrics in a blog - Bran of .em
(Awarded by Dan)
Best Link That Made Us All Cringe: The Cheeky Girls Song - Mike of akacooties
(Awarded by Kathy K.)
“You have a gift Jack. You SEE people.” - Pete B. of The Blog O’ the Blurf!
(Awarded by -=e=-)
CODING AND DEVELOPMENT
These are the web stars of tomorrow… or maybe the day after that, or maybe the day after that. Who the hell knows.
- PHP Boy Wonder - Pete of Encyclopeteia
- Who needs MT? We don’t need no steenkin’ MT! - Lisa Whirrett of Just Lisa
- Most innovative use of DBMan - Mike Brown, for The Pepy’s Project
- Greatest web designer….EVER! - Jann of Sweet Aspirations
- Most blog design changes in a year/month/week/day/hour - Bran of .em
(Awarded by Dan)
IS THIS POST ABOUT ME?
Why, yes. Yes it is! You are the stars, the moon, and the sun, baby!
Tim Berners-Lee created the web JUST for you, and
Evan came up with the schematics for
Blogger with YOU in mind! Contrary to what
Robyn’s highly-paid
minions and
lackeys would have you believe… YOU, sir, are
TROOLY The Princess of the Blogiverse™. Aaaand if the shoe fits… hey, throw the damn thing out and start a flame war, fer chrissakes. What good is HAVING only ONE shoe that fits anyway?
BOO. FUCKING. HOO.
AWWWWWW!!!!!! Lookit -e-, HAVING a pity party at his own awards show! Nobody’s nominating him for jack shit. Let’s toss a few his way to shut him the fuck up before he starts whining again.
- Most Shameless (and successful) Trackback-Whoring on the Net
(Awarded by Pete)
- Best satire of the “Bloggies”
(Awarded by Les)
- Most excessive use of Vaseline Intensive Care
(Awarded by Nico and Jewdez)
- Most Likely to Get Hickies in Linky Love?
(Awarded by Batgrl)
- Blogger who took the longest to get his site NS compliant.
(Awarded by Faith)
TALENT??? YOU NEED TALENT IN THIS BIZ?
Some bloggers tend to go against the grain and actually *DO* something that interests someone other than themselves. No. Really. It happens sometimes.
FRIENDS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DISTURBED AXE MURDERERS
People that have touched our lives, and enriched it through the internet. Like that hot little vixen you cybered on IM who ended up being a 45 year old dude in Chicago… appearances can be deceiving. That’s ok. Things happen. They may or may not be Hitler’s offspring, or goat rapers in real life, but online… they’re ok and treat us good. And that’s what counts.
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT
These are the the people who have made the web a better place long before some of you had a clue what the web was. They were doing it for decades. Don’t even waste your time approaching them. You know you’re not worthy. In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just get the hell off the web before you embarass yourself further?
- Best use of pin-up girls and retro art (long before anyone else was doing it) - Miz Kitty of Here Kitty, Kitty
- Keeper of the Orange (Passing the mantle FROM Zeldman) - Faith of ctrl-alt-ego
- Unearthing the lost treasures of the web (stuff like the very first web page to the morse code translator) - Steve Timberlake, the LinkMeister
- Most quoted on the web - Lisa Whirrett for Lisa-isms
- most amazing parenting collaborative weblog - Real Life Parents
(Awarded by Kim)
- Blogging longer than God - Mark of furtive explorations
(Awarded by Rha)
- Blogger With The Largest Smilie Collection - Gina of Recycled Thoughts
(Awarded by Maria)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
… to all our winners of round one. I gave you “The Finger”, and dammit, you truly deserved it!!!
Pick up your award:
Of course I made an “alternate version” of the award in case your site has visitors or family that don’t quite understand…
Remember: “Don’t be a dick, always right-click.”
I’m well aware that I missed a lot of people, but I’ve been at this post for three days now… don’t worry, you may *STILL* be a winner!!!!
ROUND TWO
Inside the comments section will be acceptance speeches, people whining, and others boycotting this event due to all the sordid tales of sex, drug abuse and cheating among the judges (my alternate personalities). I’m very tired of it all, and GLAD it’s over.
I’m sure you’re ALL following the scandals going on here closely, and you’ll be happy to know we’ve reached a settlement with Ms. Bullock’s attorneys. Basically, my attorney explained that due to Boffo’s widely-publicized cocaine addiction and alcoholism… coupled with his distress that Geocities has closed down his cartoon page (there since 1998)… his lapses of judgement are somewhat excusable. Attorneys for Ms. Bullock are willing to let this go as long as there is no more publicity, and we keep “that disgusting pig on a short leash.”
How often to I ask anything here for myself… pretty please?
