"Every one has a story to tell…" - Derek Whatzisname "Yeah, but can they tell it without putting me to sleep?" - Uh…I’d rather not say.

Rants are SO 1999. Weblogs are in.

Rants, Site updates, diaries, and online journals have merged and evolved into the new mega-trend: Weblogs (That’s "blogs" to you ultra-hip types!).

Bullshit! It’s the same damn thing, recycled, repackaged…and as annoying as ever! Escargot, by any other name, is still a nasty, slimy-ass SNAIL!

(Memo to me: Write another rant, thanking the goddamn French for their obnoxious contributions to our society and culture!)

Here is an excerpt from a "blog" I stumbled across recently:
(Note: The names were changed, as I noticed a "Copyright Warning" at the bottom of the page…OH YEAH! This is EXACTLY the crap Oliver Stone’s looking for in his next movie!).

Monday, Decembruary 10^th 1999- Bob came by for coffee.

Sunday, Decembruary 9^th 1999- I bought a new chair. Bob came with me. Afterward, we had coffee.

Saturday, Decembruary 8^th 1999- I have come to the conclusion that Bob has NO life WHATSOEVER! He wants to have a weblog, just like me…what’s he gonna talk about? How he always comes over for coffee? Who wants to read that crap? (except my readers, of course!)

Site after site after site after site……of this STOOPID DRIVEL…JEEZ-US!!!!

They’re not ALL bad.

This one is great! The Webmistress Blogs Again is well thought out, witty as hell…
And proof positive that the Legendary Jeffrey Zeldman rips her off every chance he gets*….

(*It’s a GOOF guys! Relax!!! She’s a buddy of mine, and we BOTH admire the hell out of JZ…. flame her, and you’ll answer to me.)

So’s Baylink. Thanks to Jay Ashworth, I learned that May 7th was the "National Masturbate-a-thon", where you get your friends, family and co-workers to sponsor you to…uh….well, THAT should be self explanatory. Proceeds went to good causes.

But May 7th??? What were the promoters thinking? I would’ve done it on "Palm Sunday"!

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Come on! Make it exciting, at least!
It just seems so restrained… like they worry. "Oh God, what if ’so-and-so’ reads this???".

FUCK EM!!!! If people can drag a loved one on a talk show, and drop a bomb like: "Honey, there’s a reason why we haven’t had sex in our eight years of marriage…I’M REALLY A MAN.", in front of 20 million people….Why can’t we call someone an asshole on our webpages????

(Yeah…I just realized I left myself wide open with that remark.)

Imagine the following a "blog" would get with entries like:

February 30th, 2000: I can’t believe I caught my hubby jerking off and having cybersex!!!!

Click here to see the moron make a fool of himself.

Or….
April 32nd, 2000: Me, Jack and Chad got drunk tonite, and thought it would be funny to drop an upright piano off Chad’s roof, at 216 Christopher Street, NYC… looked just like the cartoons too! (Well, except it killed two people, and smashed a Domino’s delivery truck!).

The Police have NO clue who did it! LOL!

Or…. you can make something up! Hell, I don’t care! Just stop boring the shit out of me with little quips about your BORING-ASS LIVES!!!!

Ahhhh… LONG LIVE THE RANT PAGE!

(Natural predator of the weblog! Bwahahahah!)

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Weblogs we’d like to see….

O.J. Simpson’s Weblog

Thursday June 10, 1999 - This little girl’s cat, which has been missing for over a week, turned up dead today. Three guesses who everyone thinks did it. I am so sick of this! Every time something, or someone ends up dead in this neighborhood, they always think it’s ME! Do you want to know why? I’ll tell you why… because I’m BLACK. I bet if Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson lived here, they wouldn’t accuse them! Well, that’s probably not a good example. Those men are convicted murderers. I, however, am not. Wednesday June 9, 1999 - Kato came by for coffee today.

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Gwen Stefani (of No Doubt)

Wednesday, May 2nd 2000 It’s official, I have the TOTAL HOTS for Eric Brooks! OMG! I can’t help it, he’s soooooooo cute! I’m at his website every chance I get!!!! Tuesday, May 1st 2000 Did some more touring-n-stuff, met the Pope & the President or something like like that, I dunno… All I keep thinking about is Eric Brooks …. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Now THAT’S some innerestin’ Blogging!

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