I have come to a very simple conclusion after watching An Inconvenient Truth.

We are truly a nation of dumbasses.

First of all, no one needs to sell me on the concept of Global Warming. We all learned about this in 6th grade science class… In the 70’s.

The same people who insist that this is a “myth” are the same people who think “Theory” in science (Capital “T” as in “Theory of Evolution”) means the same thing as “conspiracy theory”… so, you know, consider the source.

So many people have tried to take Gore and this movie apart, and it’s so clear they never saw it, or else they’d know their arguments have already been taken apart.

• “We’ve been coming out of an ice age for the last 10,000 years!”
  Gore presents scientific evidence from the last 600,000 years (including 7 of our ice ages) that prove indisputably that our CO2 emissions have spiked in the last 50 years, and the last ten hottest years on record occurred within the last 14 years.
• “Global Warming on Earth… or Ice Age in Europe… well, which is it?”
  Ocean currents, temperatures and its effects are explained in great detail and in a way that even my 9 year old understood it. Melting polar caps of fresh water into the ocean CAN cause an ice age in parts of the globe. The melting glaciers that were once the Great Lakes in North America caused Europe’s last ice age.So yes, chuckles… you can have both!

Gore also pulls no punches about the 2000 election where he won by the popular vote nationwide, yet the Supreme Court decided to give Florida to Bush. This surprised a lot of people in the house here.

I thought EVERYONE knew that.

He shows a polar bear trying to find a block of ice in the North Pole to settle on before he drowns and how scientists are finding a large number of drowned polar bears where there were once plenty of places to land. OH NO!!!! SWIM POLAR BEAR SWIM!!!!

He PROVES how improving the environment will actually HELP our economy. (Did you know we can’t sell cars in China because we don’t meet their efficiency standards? Or how California was sued by auto makers for leading the way in emissions efficiency laws?).

And well, who the hell is thinking about getting their kid an X-Box when their city is going under from a class 5 hurricane? (Simulations also show parts of Florida and Manhattan joining New Orleans with the current trend of arctic land ice melting.)

Well I don’t know who this “new” Al Gore is, and what happened to the “Gorebot” that bored the hell out of me in 2000… But this guy is witty, intelligent, and sometimes even entertaining. So if he runs again for the White House, he’s got my vote.

Despite the fact that the phrase “under God” was added to the pledge in 1954 to show those “godless commies” who WE had on our side, the controversy still continues.

I suppose if it was always in there, I can understand why people are upset, but it isn’t.

The only problem is, removing it makes some kind of a bump and throws the rhythm off. Rather than remove it, we need to put something in its place… something that says: “Hey this is America!”

Thanks Dr. Funkenstein!

I know. I know….
I swore I was shutting up about politics.

But check it:
Republicans For Dean
(Hat Tip: Wacky Neighbor)

And yes… it’s for real. It’s run by Dennis Sanders of ModerateRepublican.Net.

“Moderate Republicans believe in community, compassion, pragmatism, common sense, political-fellowship, and, most importantly — intellectual honesty. “

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Here’s a fun little toy I found at Pete’s. For people (like me) who have no clue who they’re voting for next November, here is the SelectSmart Presidential Candidate Selector

01. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%) *
* Who is “Your ideal theoretical candidate”? This candidate adamantly endorses all of your political views. The problem is that they may not exist, unless you write-in your own name on your ballot. (Hmm… I just may do that!)
02. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (76%)
03. Clark, Retired General Wesley K., AR - Democrat (72%)
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One thing I really pride myself on, in the fact that I’ve gotten smacked down by both sides of the political spectrum.

Bleeding Heart Liberals make me puke.
Brownshirt Neo Conservatives make me laugh.

To me, they’re both the same. They’re unrealistically extreme. Detatched from any form of reality that I know of. They want to hang a label on you if you disagree with them. They hang on their party’s core beliefs even when it’s clear as day that they’re wrong in a particular issue.

They try to silence you rather than address the issue you brought up.

I’ve heard arguments that the President is not to blame for the current economic conditions, yet we all can look on the Carter years with disgust for the same reasons.

Can’t we all just agree that some people just sucked as Presidents?

I liked Reagan *AND* I liked Clinton. I believe a large portion of their success was the fact that they had a legistlative branch which was dominated by a different party to answer to.

Balance, people.
Do you see the point I’m driving at?
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In lieu of actual content, I thought I’d just regurgitate a comment and make a whole post out of it. (Funny, I was just at Donna’s talking about wanting to do this.)

Some dude named Orion puts in a cameo at Emperor Misha’s joint where he “fisks” a new French ad, tentatively titled:

“Stop picking on us, or we shall get more nasal and snobby“, or something like that.

… starring none other than Woody Allen; Americas favorite inbreeder since Jerry Lee Lewis.
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There’s got to be some mistake. How on earth can so many countries and so many people feel so strongly against our occupation (oops, I meant to say “liberation”) of Iraq, and yet polls in America strongly support it?

The world is apparently nuts. We can’t be wrong, right?

Saudi Arabia has handed us our eviction papers; Turkey wouldn’t let us use their bases for all the money in the world; Russia is constantly nagging us “So, where are the weapons, genius???”, and wouldn’t cave in to the administration’s threatspolite suggestions that “not supporting the invasion wouldn’t be beneficial for future U.S./Russian endeavors”.

Blair suffers double rebuff as peace-maker - “Mr Blair was taken aback when, at a joint news conference, Mr Putin ridiculed the US and Britain for failing to find weapons of mass destruction – or Saddam Hussein. Russia would not support lifting sanctions until there was ‘evidence’ that the weapons existed, Mr Putin said. He demanded a key role for the UN in post-war Iraq, including the return of its weapons inspectors.”

We had a war because Bush expected Saddam to PROVE he DIDN’T have weapons of mass destruction. Now we’re in and Rumsfeld feels, after bashing Hans Blix for months, that NOW it’s irrelevant whether we find these weapons or not. Saddam’s gone. Lift the damn sanctions already. Fuck U.N. resolution 1441, or 1401, or whatever the hell it was about the WMD’s.

Wouldn’t it be a HOOT if Putin made us PROVE something doesn’t EXIST now?
While we’re at it, I offer a challenge to you atheists out there: Prove there isn’t a God!!!!

Whatever happened to Hans Blix anyway?
The Elusive Weapons Of Mass Destruction - “Hans Blix has not been interviewed in the American media since the war began on March 19. However, he gave an extensive interview to the Spanish newspaper, El País on April 9 in which he made it clear that the United States’ claim that intelligence sources had proof of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was doubtful at best. ”

GASP!!! I can’t imagine why this wouldn’t make the papers in America, could you??? Well, there you go Russia. There’s no WMD’s in Iraq. Can you support lifting the sanctions now?

I mean, the love us… we set them free, and they’re on the road to democracy - The war is over (except for Iraq) - “Hatred was present in the taunts of the youths goading the American troops face-to-face, calling them “babies” and waving a banner that said “Sooner or later, US killers, we’ll kick you out”. And it was there in the burning eyes of the man outside Fallujah General Hospital, who began bellowing about the “lies of the Western press” and the wickedness of the American occupation after we arrived to see the bloodied victims of the latest US shooting.”

Oh shit, wait. Don’t click that. I meant to link to the American version where the protesters had militants shooting at the troops, and that’s why they fired back.

Remember

I look back at the August 2002 article “Seven Arguments Against Bombing Iraq” - “Besides, an American invasion of Iraq would probably weaken the battle against terrorism. It would not only distract from the more immediate threat posed by Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network, but it would also likely result in an anti-American backlash that would lessen the level of cooperation from Islamic countries in tracking down and neutralizing the remaining Al Qaeda cells. ”

Ha! Yeah right! Like THAT is ever gonna happen!

Note to Bush: We Need the World - What? I thought the United States WAS the world???

People, you gotta love ‘em.

With all the Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins bashing going on, I was on Mykeru.Com, where he brings up an article about 9/11… and oh lookie… Susan Sarandon cooking for the rescue workers, and Tim Robbins rounding up steel-toe boots for the crews at Ground Zero.

Yeah, they are sooooo damn un-American, aren’t they?
No one remembers that, they just want to remember how outspoken they’ve been on the war lately. Blacklisted from certain events for it.
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Gonna be back-to-back-to-back posts today, so much stuff is going on (and yes… the pilot episode of Super Dudes is done and online. Link to follow.)

Daphne reminds us today is Patriots Day.

You know, anyone can cheer on the winning team, root for the home team in an “easy war”. When the going gets tough? When things go really wrong? That’s when you see what people are made of. Our troops need our support more than ever.

Whether Saddam and Oday Hussein are hiding on a farm dressed as peasants somewhere, or they’re primordial ooze underneath a pile of rubble… either way, they’ll never be a threat to anyone again. No one will shed a tear for them, least of all me.

Where are all the holy men? You know the ones who scream “Death to America” everytime their coffee is too cold, or their eggs are too runny? Why aren’t they putting out a plea to the Iraqi looters and say “Hey, stop stealing other people’s shit, and destroying 7,000 years of history and artifacts!” ?

Just something new to blame America for.
It’s always America’s fault over there, isn’t it.
When the U.N. sends peace-keeping troops to some hotspot on the planet, they only see it as “The Americans interfering again.”

So now, on top of dealing with mercs, suicide bombers, and snipers, they’re expected to stop people from stealing their own shit? Give me a fucking break. Sorry we’re more concerned with combat and finding our people who are being tortured somewhere. Amid the gunfire and chaos, these ingrates are whining “this is democracy???”. What, they don’t have the balls to stop the looters themselves?
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Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.

Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.

I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.

The story about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..

<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>

I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!

Thank you to…
• Dino Ignacio - Who has a great-looking site with lots of other fun stuff… check it out.
• The Children’s Television Workshop, for 31 years of great entertainment, and shaping many of us into the grown-ups we are today…
  (They have a great section called “Tragic Times, healing words”, offering help to parents in explaining 9/11…)

And most of all….

Flag courtesy of Comstock Images, Bert Courtesy of CTW….

Bush Addresses the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the latest assault against Evil Muppet Bert. (Shown here in a photo with Osama bin Laden in 1998) Photo: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) - In his vow to to “rid the world of evildoers, and punish those that harbor them”. President Bush signed an executive order to launch a surprise air attack on Sesame Street this morning.

The attack was launched in retaliation against Bert, a muppet with ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network, several mob organizations, and feared thoughout the underworld as “That scary little furry guy”. The death toll is mounting of up to 150 muppets and rising. The toll may be higher, as correspondents are seeing fur, felt, and stuffing all in the ruins.

“But why attack all of us???”, cried a resident, who only wanted to be referred to as “Gina”, “we’re as terrified of Bert as the rest of the world… we’ve done nothing wrong”.

Chilling evidence of Bert’s involvement in the latest terrorism attacks. In a rally in Bangladesh, 9/10/01, Bert is seen in a supportive poster. Photo: Reuters

The main target was Mr. Hooper’s store, now in ruins. It was a suspected front for Bert’s operations.

President Bush addressed the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and was quoted in saying: “Make no mistake, this nation will not rest until this furry little bastard is turned into someone’s oven mitt….”

There is no evidence of whether Bert survived the attack. Or was anywhere NEAR Sesame Street at the time.

The President will address the Nation tonight at 9:30 PM (That’s when the little hand is on the 9, and the big hand is on the 6). To discuss this latest operation, entitled OPERATION: Nail the GODDAMN Sock Puppet.

Brought to you by the Letter “S”.
For “SPECIAL FORCES (Psychological Operations)”
and “SUCK MY DICK, OSAMA!”

Inside the minds of Terrorists

For the sake of children, experiencing war for the first time… I have denoted words they may not understand with asterisks (*), so they can appreciate the fine art of propaganda*. Answer key at the bottom.

The following hand-written note was found inside a flight manual in a suspect’s abandoned vehicle, translated from Farsi*

THINGS TO DO LIST

- Wake up, face the East, praise Allah* for his love and grace, and for the painful, gruesome death of Jews and Americans everywhere.

- Decide whether to milk the camel or blow shit up.

- Sniff the leftover bowl of cous-cous*, to see if it is suitable to eat for breakfast.

- Run to the market to pick up goat’s milk, a laws rocket launcher, and a stick of butter. (Find out if your order of bio-chemical weapons are in yet!)

- Sit down and try to plot the downfall of the United States, which is no easy feat as through this, you are being nagged by all six of your wives to go out and sweep the sand buildup outside of the tent because the neighbors are beginning to talk. At least two of them are suffering the curse of their “monthly effendi* coming to visit”. Come to think of it, there isn’t a day in the year when it isn’t happening to at least one of them…

- Curse the concept of polygamy*… the number one cause of suicide bombers in Al-Qaeda*.

- Go back outside, face the East and pray again. Or at least use that as an excuse to get away from the nagging bitches, and your 42 screaming kids.

- Take the camel out for a spin to the local Al-Qaeda* terrorist camp. It’s “Stag Film Night”, and the grand poo-bah promises this this film will actually show a hot Afghani woman exposing herself up to her left foot. Perhaps even an ankle!

- Hide the projector, pull up the screen to show your latest attack plan on the blackboard when a Taliban* official pops in looking to serve Osama bin Laden* with an eviction notice.

- A messenger arrives with a parchment from wife #3 (whats-her-name, you know, the pregnant one?), asking you to pick up some beef jerky on the way home from your most revered Jihad* meeting.

- You curse the sand her ancestors walked upon. It’s blashemy! Obviously she has been poisoned by western culture. (Besides, you already know that Pakistan has closed it’s borders to you. Not that it matters… 160 million Pakistanis, and not one of them owns a “Quicky Mart” or a “7-11″* over here.)

- This is the last straw on the loofah sponge, as you volunteer to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a suicide bomber for Allah. An eternity of paradise will be your reward, as well as twelve virgins, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax.

(Translator’s note: This part of the radical mentality of these madmen remain an enigma to our investigators trying to establish a profile. He became a suicide bomber to get away from his six nagging wives, yet he’s now committing himself to spending all eternity with twice the amount of women???? Also, I wasn’t sure of the words originally used for “loofah sponge” and “Turtle Wax”, so I took a guess. Sue me.)